How Blossomfall Took Over the World
by Empress Tansy
Summary: Squirrelstar, in her old age, made the huge mistake of naming Blossomfall her deputy, and then rudely died. Now the tortoiseshell she-cat is out for more than just ruling ThunderClan- she wants the whole world! In this crazy tale, the dead will live once again, castles will be built, crowns will be worn, and Graystripe and Bumblestripe will eat all the food. Beware.
1. Party Time

_**(A/N: This is going to be completely random. It's kind of a humor/parody/spoof/drama thing. One thing it isn't is serious. Anyway, I have to give Silverblaze the Mighty some credit for this since we've been talking about how crazy it would be if Blossomfall did take over the world. So, read this and don't analyze it too much. You'll hurt your brain cells.)**_

Imagine this...

Many moons have passed since the days of Bramblestar's Storm. The great tabby leader has died, leaving his loving mate to take over. Squirrelstar was already old when she became ThunderClan's leader, but did her best to keep her strength up. She appointed Ivypool as her deputy, hoping the young cat could lead when the ginger she-cat finally died. Unfortunately, Ivypool died one cold leaf-bare day fighting a starving fox that was searching for food on ThunderClan territory. Squirrelstar, by this point, was nearing the end of her life. She was many season cycles old, losing lives from old age rather than battles. Twolegs may attribute her sickness to organ failure, but the wild cats don't know about that. The leader hobbled out of her den, trying to remember her Clanmates' name so she could pick a new deputy. Her memory was fading, and she could remember little. Gazing down onto her Clan, her eyes flickered onto one cat, and a name popped into her head.

"Blossomfall will be the new deputy of ThunderClan," she rasped, and then she fell over and died.

Prepare for the mayhem that follows. Be warned: Nothing in this story is serious. If you were looking for a serious story, look elsewhere. Blossomfall is going to take over the world. The dead will come back to life. Castles will be built. Insane asylums will be used. I wonder what will happen...

* * *

"Hey, ya'll, I'm the leader now!" Blossomfall howled, leaping up onto the High Ledge. "You all have to do whatever I say!"

"I do not!" Millie screeched. "You can't be the leader! You're a no good, dirty rotten, horrible, crowfood-eating, mangy-pelted load of foxdung! I demand Briarlight be named leader instead!"

Blossomfall shook her head. "I'm the leader now! Bow down to me or face the consequences!"

Everyone in ThunderClan bowed down to their new leader, except for Millie. "You arrogant, selfish brat! Apologize right now for your behavior!" the silver tabby shrieked.

"That's it, Mother!" the tortoiseshell leader announced. "You're on dawn patrol for a moon!"

Millie glared at her daughter, but said nothing.

"Now that my mother is quiet, we can have a party!" Blossomfall announced. "Tomorrow Jay-jay and I will go to the Moonpool, but until then let's turn up the music and PARTAAAYYY!"

Cherryfall hit the stereo and the sound of Taylor Swift music began playing loudly in the ThunderClan camp.

"Let's get some tacos at this party!" the leader meowed. "Hey, Briar, call Taco Bell!"

Briarlight had Taco Bell on speed dial, of course. She ordered 1000 Doritos tacos, 700 chalupas, 569 quesadillas, and 444 orders of cinnamon twists. Millie got nothing.

Blossomfall leaped off of the High Ledge and danced around the camp joyfully. "You know what this party needs?" she asked. "A bouncy castle!"

Briarlight had a bouncy castle delivery guy on speed dial.

Millie did not get to use the bouncy castle.

Blossomfall saw that Jayfeather was looking grumpy, so she threw a taco at him. "You can't be grumpy at my party, Jay-jay!" she hissed. "You have to have fun and be happy."

"Don't call me Jay-jay," he growled. He was thrown in the bouncy castle.

"Daughter," Graystripe meowed, "we need more food. Bumblestripe and I ate it all."

The she-cat nodded. "What do you want?"

"Pizza!"

Briarlight called the pizza delivery guy. "Hey, I want 30 mouse pizzas, 49 robin and sparrow pizzas, 12 rabbit pizzas, and 1009 extra cheese pizzas."

Graystripe and Bumblestripe ate all the pizza.

"I've got an idea!" Blossomfall announced. "We're all way to underdressed for a party! Briarlight, get us some ball gowns and tuxedos!"

Luckily, Briarlight had a clothing store on speed dial.

Millie sulked inside the warriors' den. She didn't want her daughter to be leader. Blossomfall was horrible! How could Squirrelstar make her deputy? She decided she would ignore everything her daughter said, and certainly wouldn't go on the dawn patrols.

"Hey, let's all have a sing-a-long!" Blossomfall suggested. "Who knows 'I Just Can't Wait to be Queen'?"

Of course, everyone knew it.

"I'm gonna be a mighty queen, so enemies beware!" the new leader started singing.

Millie padded out of the den. "Well, I've never seen a queen or beast with quite so ugly hair!"

"I'm gonna be the main event, like no queen was before!" Blossomfall continued. "I'm brushing up on looking down, and working on my luxurious fur!"

Millie snorted. "Thus a rather uninspiring thing..."

"Oh, I just can't wait to be queen!"

"You've a rather long way to go, crowfood," Millie mumbled.

Blossomfall continued. "Millie can't say 'Do this'! Millie can't say 'Be there'! Millie can't say 'Stop that'! Millie can't say 'See here'! Free to run around all day! Free to do it all my way!"

The silver tabby shook her head, glaring at her daughter. "I think it's time that she and I arrange a heart to heart."

"Queens don't need advice from their mothers for a start!" her daughter sang.

Millie stormed out of the camp. "If this is where ThunderClan's headed- count me out! Out of service, out of the forest I wouldn't hang about! That kit is getting wildly out of way!"

"Oh I can't just wait to be queen!" Blossomfall finished.

Every cat in ThunderClan applauded Blossomfall because she was by far the best singer in the forest.

Graystripe and Bumblestripe had bellyaches.

Millie had a headache.

Suddenly. Blossomfall stopped singing. "Hey, I really can't wait to be queen! Jay-jay, let's go to the Moonpool now!"

Jayfeather stumbled out of the bouncy castle, dizzy. "I'm gonna...I'm gonna...need a nap first..." He collapsed on the ground, unconscious.

"Whatever," the tortie shrugged. "I'll go by myself." And so she did.


	2. The Nine Lives Ceremony

_**(A/N: Hm, I got an over-whelmingly positive response on the first chapter. Good. Now let's see how Blossomfall's nine lives ceremony goes...)**_

Chapter 2

Blossomfall bounced her way to the Moonpool, happily singing her own version of a song from _The Meowing King_. She just knew StarClan was going to give her some great lives. She didn't want any of those boring lives like for justice or loyalty.

Once at the Moonpool, the tortoiseshell she-cat prepared to meet StarClan. She was thrilled to see all of her favorite StarClan cats! They were the most famous cats in the whole history of warriors! Bluestar was there and Yellowfang and Whitestorm and...

"Welcome, Blossomfall," Firestar meowed. "Are you ready to receive your nine lives?"

"You bet I am!" she announced. "Make sure you give me really great ones!"

The ginger tom nodded. "We've picked out some really special lives for you since you're such a special leader. I'm giving you your first life. It's a life of leadership. Use this life to be the best leader in the whole world. Make as many cats obey you as possible so you can make them all follow the rules!"

"Awesome!" Blossomfall squeaked happily. "What else you got?"

Bluestar stepped forward. "I'm giving you a life of fashion. Use this life to always make yourself look good. A great leader has to always look her best!"

The tortie nodded. "I'll make sure I'm always wearing fancy dresses. I wonder if I can get a crown..."

"I'll give you a life for beauty," Silverstream meowed, padding up to the new leader. "You should be able to look absolutely gorgeous even without expensive clothes!"

"Well," Blossomfall mewed, "I am rather beautiful. It wouldn't hurt to be even more fantastic looking."

Silverstream dipped her head. "You have to be the best looking cat in the whole world if you want to be a good leader. Make sure you take 39 baths every day so you always look your best!"

The tortoiseshell nodded seriously. "I'll take 40 just to be safe."

Yellowfang padded up to the she-cat next. "I'll give you a life of fame. You are going to be a big time celebrity, so you need to be able to deal with your fans. You also need to appear on TV shows, radio shows, college lectures- really anything to make you even more well-known."

"I've always wanted to be on TV!" Blossomfall gasped. "I better get an agent! I wonder if Briarlight would be a good agent...or maybe she could be my personal assistant. A truly famous cat like me ought to have a personal assistant."

The elderly medicine cat snorted. "Just don't hire Nightcloud. She'll spend all your money on lattes and manicures for herself."

"Noted," the tortie mewed. "I don't think my mother would be a good assistant, either."

Yellowfang backed away, and was replaced with Whitestorm. "I will give you a life for book writing. All famous cats write books about their lives. That will give you something to talk about on all those talk shows."

Blossomfall nodded, bouncing. "I'll start writing my book as soon I get my castle built. I can have a castle, right?"

"What else could the leader of everything live in?" the white tom asked. "You'll definitely need a castle."

"Excellent!" the she-cat meowed. "It's going to be huge."

Crookedstar padded up to Blossomfall next. "I'm giving you life for dealing with difficult mothers. Use it to make Millie's life as miserable as possible."

The tortoiseshell smiled devilishly. "I've got some great ideas on how to make Millie miserable. I'll start by sentencing her to bedding cleaner for life! Who doesn't hate cleaning out old, stinky bedding?"

A very fat cat stomped up to the new leader, his large belly swaying back and forth as he walked. "My name is Heavystep. I've died three times. I'm giving you a life of enjoying foods. Use this life to make sure you always have tons of food so you can eat all the time! If you try hard enough, someday you might even be as fat as me!"

"That's a great life!" Blossomfall mewed. "I could put my father in charge of all the food in my kingdom. He always knows when ThunderClan is running low on prey."

"Your father is a worthy cat," Heavystep meowed. "He only needs to gain 14 more pounds before he ways as much as me!"

A ragged-looking brown tabby was the next to approach the young she-cat. "I'll give you a life of cunning. Use it to convince your enemies to let you take over their territory. Sometimes all they need is a little..._encouragement_."

"Brokenstar!" Blossomfall gasped. "You're not even a StarClan cat! What are you doing here?"

The tom shook his fur luxuriously. "They told me to complete a million hours of community service. I did, so now I'm here."

"Awesome!" the tortoiseshell breathed. "I think you're amazing, Brokenstar! The way you tried to take over the forest is really inspiring!"

"Thank you," Brokenstar meowed. "I tried my hardest."

Another brown tabby tom padded up, shouldering the ShadowClan tom out of the way. "I'm giving you a life for strength and brutality!" he growled. "Use it to attack all your enemies who refuse to join you. Make them pay for their defiance!"

"Tigerstar, you're here too?" Blossomfall gasped. "This is the best day EVER! My two favorite cats in the whole world are in StarClan now!"

Tigerstar rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Just destroy your enemies and take over the world, okay?"

"Okay!" she replied. "I'm going to take over everything!"

The tom nodded seriously. "Then by the power vested in me, I give you your new name Blossomstar."

StarClan began cheering for the newest leader in the forest. "Blossomstar! Blossomstar!"

The she-cat rubbed her paws together, laughing evilly. "This is going to be fun!"


	3. Taking Over the Clans

Chapter 3

Blossomstar raced back to the ThunderClan camp, thrilled to be their new leader. She was so glad that Tigerstar and Brokenstar had appeared at her leadership ceremony, and was going to take their words to heart. She was going to be the first leader ever to take over all four Clans! She just knew she could do it since she was so awesome!

"Everybody, gather 'round!" she yowled as she barreled into the camp. "I've got great news!"

At once every cat in the Clan, except for Millie, gathered beneath the High Ledge as their new leader leaped onto it.

"I've got to name a deputy," the tortoiseshell she-cat announced. "Hey, Bumble, guess what? You're my deputy!"

Bumblestripe looked up from the rabbit he was eating. "Okay," he mewed. Then he went back to eating.

Blossomstar wasn't finished yet. "I've decided I need more than just a deputy. I need someone to keep track of all the food so we know how much we have and how much we need. Daddy, you're going to be Keeper of the Prey!"

Graystripe stopped stuffing a robin in his mouth long enough to nod and mumble, "Fank ou." His mouth was full, of course.

"I also need a personal assistant to help me keep track of my busy schedule and bring me lattes," Blossomstar announced. "Briarlight, you're going to be my personal assistant, okay?"

The brown she-cat nodded, texting away furiously on her cell phone. "I'm making you an account to get a Starbucks rewards card," she mewed. "Then you'll get every tenth latte free!"

The tortie nodded joyfully. "I picked a great assistant! She even knows how to save money! Isn't my sister great? Now one more piece of business. As leader of ThunderClan, I hearby sentence my mother to dawn patrol for life and am making her the official bedding cleaner! In you face, Mom! You said I'd never amount to anything! Ha!"

Millie leaned over to Graystripe. "Can't you do something about our daughter? Who does she think she is?"

"Flan eater," the gray tom mumbled, his mouth full of rabbit.

Blossomstar wasn't finished. "Guess who came to my nine lives ceremony! Brokenstar and Tigerstar! They want me to take over every Clan, so that's just what I'm going to do! Everyone, let's go take over WindClan!

The new leader raced out of the camp, every warrior and apprentice pelting after her. Their leader wanted to attack WindClan, and since she was so amazing of course they were going to help her. Well, except for Millie, anyway. She stayed behind to clean out all the bedding in every nest.

When Blossomstar's army reached WindClan, she marched right into their camp. "Everyone, I'm your new leader!"

Onestar padded out from his den, wearing a lei and a grass skirt. "You can't be WindClan's leader!" he hissed. "I can't retire for two more moons! I've got bills to pay!"

"Arrest this cat and throw him in the ThunderClan dungeon!" Blossomstar ordered her cats. Berrynose and Mousewhisker grabbed Onestar and dragged him away.

The tortoiseshell she-cat nodded happily. "Good, that very rude tom is gone. Now I'm your leader, WindClan, so bow down to me!"

WindClan couldn't think of a valid reason to say no, so they all bowed down to her.

"Good, now I'm in control of two Clans," Blossomstar meowed. "Let's go take over RiverClan!"

Every ThunderClan and WindClan warrior and apprentice followed their new leader to RiverClan's camp. "Mistystar, I'm taking over your Clan and there's nothing you can do about it!" the tortie announced upon entering the camp.

Mistystar hobbled out of her den. "Good," she rasped. "I'm too old to lead anyway. I was going to leave the throne to my son, but he ran away to join the circus." She turned to face her Clanmates. "Everyone, Blossomstar is your leader now. Do everything she says. I'm moving to Florida to live with all the other retired cats!"

"Okay everyone, bow down to me and submit to me as your leader!" Blossomstar ordered. Of course, everyone did. They liked Blossomstar. She was awesome.

"Now we have to take over ShadowClan!" the leader announced. "Let's go, everyone!"

Then the warriors and apprentices from ThunderClan, WindClan, and RiverClan raced to ShadowClan and stormed into their camp. "Hey, y'all," Blossomstar yowled, "I'm your new leader!"

Rowanstar hobbled out of his den. "Hang on a moment! I was going to make my mate or one of my kits leader! Tawnypelt, Tigerheart, or Dawnpelt would all make better leaders than some weird ThunderClan cat!"

"Are you saying I'm not amazing?" Blossomstar growled, thrusting her face into the elderly leader's. "I am taking over your Clan and there is nothing you can do about it."

The ShadowClan leader stared at her for a long moment, and then shrugged. "Okay, then. I'll just move down to Florida. I heard it's nice for retired cats. Tawnypelt, let's go! Bring the kits and grandkits so we can all go to Disney!"

So Rowanstar and his family all left ShadowClan to move to Florida. Blossomstar leaped onto a tree stump and looked over her new Clanmates. "It's a shame that Onestar caused me trouble. I think he'd like Florida. Now everyone in ShadowClan bow down to me and tell me I'm pretty!"

They all did, of course. Blossomstar was pretty.

"Now that I have successfully taken over all four Clans, which even Brokenstar and Tigerstar couldn't do, I must give this Clan a new name. From now on I am the leader of BlossomClan!"


	4. Taking Over North America

_**(A/N: Skyfur: how could I ever forget #nightcloudisawesome?**_ **_I'll remember that forever._**

**_Guest: I guess it's kind of like a trollfic. It's a humor/parody/spoof thing. It is meant to have correct grammar, and it does have a plot, so it isn't quite like a troll story.)_**

Chapter 4

Blossomstar was not content with only ruling the Clans in her area. Taking over WindClan, RiverClan, and ShadowClan had been too easy. The only leader that gave her any trouble was Onestar, and he was languishing away in prison. At least he had company- Millie was a prisoner, too. Blossomstar had nothing more to do, though. She had done what Brokenstar and Tigerstar had asked her to, but it wasn't enough to keep her busy. Then she got an idea. She wanted more power! More territory! More than any cat had ever had before! She had made up her mind. Blossomstar was going to take over the world.

"Hey, BlossomClan, guess what!" the tortoiseshell meowed from the High Ledge, since she was still using the old ThunderClan camp for her home base. "We are going to conquer the world!"

"How are we going to do that?" Applefur questioned.

"Is that even possible?" Furzepelt asked.

"I want pancakes," Graystripe announced.

Blossomstar ignored her Clanmates' (*ahem- loyal subjects) outbursts and leaped off of her ledge. "Come on, BlossomClan! We've got a world to conquer!" She then ran out of the camp, expecting everyone to follow her. Of course, everyone did.

Millie watched as all the cats chased after their leader. "Who does she think she is?" the silver tabby grumbled. "Tigerstar? Brokenstar? No. They didn't even take over all the Clans. Crazy, arrogant, power-hungry devil cat! Why couldn't my precious Briar-baby be leader instead?" She then cleaned out the elders' bedding. She was Blossomstar's prisoner, anyway. Onestar helped her.

Every cat in BlossomClan ran to the local feline airport to buy plane tickets. The ticket salescat told Blossomstar she couldn't buy a ticket for the next plane because tickets had to be purchased a half-moon in advance, but the tortie threw the salescat into prison and led her Clanmates to the plane terminal. They all boarded an airplane and flew west across the Atlantic Ocean to a strange foreign land. The cats were amazed by the sights, sounds, and smells of this weird place.

"What's a Wal-Mart?" Rosepetal asked.

"What's a president?" Haresping questioned.

"I want pancakes," Graystripe announced.

Blossomstar stood in front of her subjects. "This place is called North America. We're going to conquer it. Former WindClan cats- you're going to attack Mexico and Central America. Bring me back some tacos and a sombrero. Former RiverClan cats- you're going to attack Canada. Bring me back all the maple syrup."

"All the maple syrup?" Reedwhisker asked. "That's a ton of syrup!"

"Have you seen my father eat pancakes?" Blossomstar asked. "I need ALL the maple syrup. I would also like some hockey pucks and a moose. Former ShadowClan cats- you're going to attack the United States. Bring me back a hotdog, an American flag, and the Hollywood sign. Former ThunderClan cats, you're going to destroy the White House and build me a grand castle, okay? Throw the president- whatever that is- in the BlossomClan Prison for Immoral and Treacherous Cats. I don't know what a president is, but I don't like the sound of it."

Every cat nodded and then went to attack their assigned regions. WindClan took Mexico and Central America. Whitetail stole all the tropical fruits, Breezepelt stole Aztec and Mayan treasures, and Featherpaw ate a quesadilla. It was all great fun. Haresping led an army to Mexico City and his cats destroyed the Mexican feline government, declaring Blossomstar the new leader of Mexico. Furzepelt took a patrol to the Honduras and quickly won the battle for supremacy.

RiverClan enjoyed their trip to Canada. They stole all the syrup they could find, captured some polar bears to help them conquer the giant country, and played a game of hockey with some nice Canadian cats who were glad to give their land to Blossomstar. RiverClan didn't even have to fight any battles. Every Canadian cat was so nice about being conquered and invited their new friends to have a snowball fight.

ShadowClan went to Wal-Mart and then got fat eating hotdogs and hamburgers. They found a television and watched what American cats call "the Superbowl". They were disappointed to find out it had nothing to do with food. Snowbird changed the channel and they watched the Puppy Bowl instead. It had a great kitten half-time show. Conquering the US was easy because all the American cats were busy fighting over which football team was better to notice the invading arming of ShadowClan cats.

Blossomstar relaxed back in Washington DC and watched as her slaves (*ahem- former ThunderClan cats) began building her a grand castle. It was going to be made out of pale pink stone and have tall towers with bright pink and purple flags. Some American cats showed up and complained because the castle and its flags weren't red, white, and blue, but Blossomstar threw them into prison. The president- who was a twoleg for some reason- was thrown into prison and never heard from again. The president's dogs were sent to the pound.

Graystripe and Bumblestripe padded up to their leader. "Daughter," Graystripe meowed, "I'm STARVING! I haven't eaten in five minutes!"

"I haven't eaten in seven minutes!" Bumblestripe cried. "I'm withering away to nothing!"

Blossomstar was upset to hear that her father and brother were starving to death, so she called up Briarlight. "Sis, how's RiverClan coming with taking over Canada?"

"Oh, they finished _hours_ ago," Briarlight mewed. "Since then they've played hockey, had a snowball fight, went ice fishing, learned cat French, and are now learning how to build igloos."

"Well, tell them to get back here with the maple syrup!" the tortoiseshell leader hissed. "Graystripe and Bumblestripe need pancakes now!"

RiverClan returned with 10,765 bottles of maple syrup. Graystripe and Bumblestripe living happily ever after.

Once all the other cats returned to Washington DC, Blossomstar was pleased to hear that everything she had asked for had been done. Mexico, Canada, and the US were now under her control!

"Ah," the tortie mewed, reclining in her giant over-stuffed lazy-boy chair. "Life is good."


	5. Taking Over South America

Chapter 5

Blossomstar led her vast army, now consisting of not only BlossomClan but also all the cats she had conquered in North and Central America, down south of the equator. She had conquered one continent, but that simply wasn't enough for the tortoiseshell leader.

"Okay, everybody, today we're going to take over South America! Listen up as my personal assistant and most favorite sister reads the list of assignments for each of you. I'm going to go back to the US and make sure those dumb construction cats don't mess up my castle!"

Briarlight took a sip of her Starbucks Frappuccino. "WindClan will be responsible for taking over Argentina. Blossomstar wants every one of you to learn how to Tango while you're there. ShadowClan will take over Brazil, and you must capture seventeen parrots or macaws for Blossomstar. She also wants thirty-seven jaguars to defend her castle, so you'd better capture them, too. ThunderClan- you will be responsible for taking over Chile. Blossomstar wants you to get one hundred and twenty goats. She doesn't know why. She just feels like you need to get some goats. RiverClan will take over Peru and steal any Incan treasures they come across. Our US cats will take over Columbia, Ecuador, and the other northern countries because they're small. Get busy everybody!"

WindClan ran to Argentina. They were not all that happy to be assigned to this part of the continent.

"Why do we have to learn how to Tango?" Sedgewhisker grumbled. "I can't dance!"

"I have two left paws!" Harespring cried.

"I wanted to go to the Galapagos Islands!" Furzepelt pouted.

None of them learned how to dance.

ShadowClan went to Brazil and ate one million brazil nuts. Then they decided to bring back a few tons of the nuts because Graystripe and Bumblestripe were probably hungry. After entering the Amazon Rain Forest, they found out just how big jaguars were.

"How are we supposed to capture those?" Snowbird gasped.

"They look dangerous!" Kinkfur cried.

"I think I'll just catch the birds," Ivytail meowed. "At least they'll taste good."

Crowfrost nodded. "We'd better catch some for Graystripe and Bumblestripe. They'll probably eat the seventeen we get for Blossomstar!"

Somehow ShadowClan managed to successfully catch two jaguars. Ivytail single handedly caught thirty macaws. She also caught a monkey.

ThunderClan had a grand old time climbing mountains in Chile. There were goats everywhere and were so easy to catch! Even Dovewing, who was normally useless, caught two by herself. Lionblaze single handedly captured four hundred. He decided they should milk all the goats and make cheese for Graystripe and Bumblestripe.

"Mountain climbing is fun!" Cherryfall meowed.

"Goats look tasty!" Mousewhisker observed, licking his lips.

"Aren't I just the most amazing, handsome, athletic, gorgeous, witty, intelligent, kind, caring, loyal, brave, charismatic cat in the whole wide world?" Berrynose asked, tossing his creamy fur luxuriously.

"Put a cork in it, Buddy," Poppyfrost grumbled.

RiverClan found out that Peru had many lovely Incan treasures to find. Reedwhisker and Mallownose discovered a ton of gold and shipped it to Blossomstar. Graymist had a litter of kits and named them Sneezekit, Achoo!kit, Allergykit, and Sinusinfectionkit. They found an old Incan palace and decided to move in. Graymist declared herself Governor of South America and put her kits in charge of running the continent in Blossomstar's absence. She also awarded herself the title of "Mother with the Best Choice of Names".

"Incan palaces are beautiful!" Willowshine meowed.

"You know, since Blossomstar is headquarted in the US, she'll need someone to watch over South America for her," Graymist insisted, finding a crown amongst all the gold.

"I think she could pick a better governor than you!" Mallownose hissed.

"I should be the governor!" Reedwhisker growled. "I was the RiverClan deputy!"

Then Reedwhisker and Graymist got in a fight.

The US cats were going to take over their assigned area, but there was a monster truck rally on TV so they decided to watch that instead.

"Hey, did anyone order a pizza?" Red asked.

"I'm reading the Constitution!" White announced.

"I'm going to Wal-Mart!" Blue meowed.

Back in Washington DC, Blossomstar was thrilled with how her castle was coming along. It was really beautiful. The pink was really much better than white like that old ugly building where that president thing used to live. Why would a leader live in a boring white house when they could have a stunning pick castle?

She also decided to have a mental institution build since prison wasn't bad enough for her mother. The Blossom House for the Immorally Insane was built next to the new castle just so Blossomstar could annoy Millie. She also put Onestar in the new asylum, and just for kicks and giggles, she threw Rainflower in too.

"Blossomstar, the cats are back from South America," Briarlight mowed. "Would you like to hear the reports?"

The new leader took a sip of her iced tea. "Did they get what I asked for?" she asked.

"Well..." the assistant began, "WindClan did take over Argentina, but they failed at learning the Tango. ShadowClan only captured two jaguars, but caught a total of thirty-seven macaws and brought back five tons of Brazil nuts for Graystripe and Bumblestripe. ThunderClan captured 400 goats and made cheese for Graystripe and Bumblestripe. RiverClan captured Peru, but Reedwhisker and Graymist got in a fight over who should be the governor. Oh... the cats from the US proved to be useless."

Blossomstar nodded thoughtfully. "Have the US cats thrown into The Blossom House for the Immorally Insane as punishment. Hm...I do have so much land. Maybe appointing governors to different regions wouldn't be a bad idea. I'll make Bumblestripe the governor of North and Central America since he's my deputy anyway, and Graymist can be the governor of South America."

"Why Graymist?" Briarlight asked. "Reedwhisker has more experience."

"Because Graymist is a she-cat and she-cats are awesome."

Briarlight nodded seriously. "Well, I can't argue with that logic."


	6. Taking Over Australia

Chapter 6

Blossomstar started counting her heaps of money. Taking over the entire western hemisphere was bringing her a ton of cash. Graymist and Bumblestripe had proved to be excellent governors and were taxing their cats with great power. They were making the leader very rich. But that wasn't enough for the tortoiseshell. She wanted more.

"Hey everyone!" she meowed, using Skype on her GrapePad to connect with her subjects outside of DC. "I need more land and power. Today I am sending an army to Australia! If you are big and strong and can fight sharks, venomous snakes, jellyfish, and dingoes- go to Australia and conquer it immediately!"

Lionblaze decided he would lead the army, since he had once lifted a tree and was by far the strongest cat ever. He brought along some cats from the Dark Forest Society to back him up. Evil cats were the strongest and best at conquering foreign lands.

"Okay, I'm going to break us into groups so we can take over this giant island with ease," the golden tom meowed. "Blossomstar has given me some requests along with her order to destroy the Australian cat government. Brokenstar- since you are her favorite Dark Forest cat, you'll take the Sydney area along with your buddies. Blossomstar would like you to go to 42 Wallaby Way and rescue any fish that are there. Afterwards, you are to eat all those fish. And bring Blossomstar a whale. Tigerstar- you'll take the Perth area. Our amazing leader would like you all to learn how to surf and capture a great white shark. Mapleshade will take the northern most part of Australia and is required to pick up a thick Australian accent. Snowtuft and Shredtail will take the outback and become snake charmers. Everybody clear on their jobs?"

The evil cats nodded seriously, ready to take on their tasks. Brokenstar raced to Sydney joyfully. He had the chance to be evil for a while! The tom and his followers quickly stormed the Sydney Feline Legislative Office and slaughtered every cat there. Then the ragged tom ordered his friends to jump into the ocean and find a whale.

"But I can't swim!" Antpelt cried.

"I hate salt water!" Silverhawk spat.

"I'm not even evil!" Beetlewhisker whined.

Somehow, they managed to catch a humpback whale. They named him Destroyer.

Tigerstar found taking over Perth was very easy. Everyone there was so laid back and concerned with surfing rather than fighting against the tom. After making sure he had successfully taken over the city, he ordered his followers to learn how to surf while he laid on the beach and worked on his tan. An evil tom always has to look his best, you know.

"I don't surf!" Scourge hissed.

"I'm afraid of sharks!" Bone trembled.

"Dad, I need to sun-bathe, too!" Hawkfrost exclaimed. "I need to be handsome so all the she-cats love me! I use Catene cat shampoo- it's for the handsome toms!"

Mapleshade had fun taking over northern Australia and learning the accent. After securing the land for her new leader, the evil she-cat decided to go wrestle a crocodile. How hard could that be, anyway? She ran to the beach and found a swarm of hungry reptiles. Happily, Mapleshade tackled the biggest crocodile there. She leaped on his back and bit his eyes, blinding him. The she-cat then decided to keep the blind crocodile as her pet and named him Ralph.

Snowtuft and Shredtail found out that life in the Outback wasn't for big city brutes like them. It was too sunny, too hot, and there were too many dangerous animals.

"I hate emus!" Shredtail cried, clinging to the back of an angry emu as the bird ran around in circles trying to get the terrified cat off.

"I hate kangaroos!" Snowtuft yowled, stuck in the pouch of a kangaroo that mistook the cat for her baby.

"I hate dingoes!" Shredtail howled as a dingo chased the tom after he fell off the emu.

"I hate snakes!" Snowtuft screamed, staring in horror at the venomous snakes that were slithering toward him.

"Let's get out of here!" Shredtail hollered, racing away as fast as he could.

* * *

Blossomstar sat on her brand-new throne. It was made of solid silver and had velvety purple cushions that made it nice and soft. She was still counting her money. Briarlight entered the throne room and padded up to her sister, GrapePad in paw.

"Australia has been captured!" the assistant meowed cheerily.

"Good!" Blossomstar mewed. "I want to hear all about it.

Briarlight glanced at a report on her tablet. "Brokenstar pretty much destroyed everything in Sydney and caught a whale. The whale's name is Destroyer and he's doing just fine. Tigerstar got a tan and the phone numbers of thirteen she-cats. Hawkfrost learned how to surf _and _got a tan. He got eighty-three phone numbers. Mapleshade now has a blind crocodile named Ralph. Shredtail and Snowtuft failed to become snake charmers and are very glad to be back in a country without so many dangerous animals. Apparently they are kind of wimpy for evil-doers."

The leader laughed at that. "Excellent! I have begun to take control of the eastern hemisphere. What should my armies conquer next? Africa? Asia?"

"Don't you think you have enough land?" the assistant questioned.

"Nonsense!" Blossomstar hissed. "I'm going to take over everything! Anyway, Lionblaze can be governor of Australia. Hm...now that that I'm getting so powerful, maybe I should start writing my book. What's a good book title?"

Briarlight narrowed her eyes. "I'm Totally Insane for Thinking I can Conquer the Whole World," she growled.

The tortie thought for a moment. "Maybe. That can be the working title."

"Anyway..." the assistant meowed, "Graystripe and Bumblestripe both requested to have their own palaces. Graystripe wants one made out of waffles and Bumblestripe wants one made out gumballs."

"Oooo, a gumball palace!" Blossomstar gasped. "Why didn't I think of that? That's awesome!"

Briarlight nodded. "Okay. I have one more piece of business to discuss with you. Millie wants out of the insane asylum. Apparently locking her in a cell with Rainflower was a bad decision because the RiverClan cat is crazy."

"They both are," the tortie meowed. "That's why I put them together. They are both horrible mothers, so they belong to suffer together. Mother is not getting out of there any time soon."

"Well then...I think I'll just go plan your next attack," Briarlight mewed. "Maybe the Dark Forest Society or Brokenstar's House of Villains can lead the attack. I can't ask the Clan of the Stars or Firestar's Police Force of Morality to attack anyone."

"I don't care what the attack strategy is," Blossomstar meowed. "I just want everything!"


	7. Taking Over Africa

Chapter 7

"Okay, so I need the crystal chandelier installed in the dining room, the white grand piano put in the ball room, a thousand balls for the ball pit room, seventeen waffles with whipped cream for Graystripe, and eighteen pancakes with peanut butter for Bumblestripe," Blossomstar meowed, reading her to-do list.

Briarlight tapped away on her GrapePad. "Don't you also need straight-jackets ordered for the Blossom House for the Immorally Insane?" she asked. "Apparently Rainflower and Millie broke out and went on a shopping spree with your credit cards. On a completely unrelated note, we're now thirty-six trillion dollars in debt."

Blossomstar's eyes widened. "What on earth did they buy?"

"Oh, they bought cinnamon rolls, milkshakes, a helicopter tour of New York City, and a mountain home," the assistant meowed.

"So that's where the extra six trillion came from," the tortoiseshell nodded. "I knew we were thirty trillion in debt because I bought Greenland, the North Pole, Antartica, and seven more castles- now I have one on every continent."

Briarlight stared at her sister. "And how exactly are we planning on paying all that?"

"I guess I'll just have to take over more land. What's Africa like this time of year?"

"Um...hot?" Briarlight mewed.

Blossomstar rubbed her paws together. "Excellent...send the Dark Forest Society to conquer Africa."

* * *

Brokenstar stood at the front of a large evil army stationed in the Sahara Desert. "Alright, everybody listen up! Blossomstar wants us to take over this continent. I personally will be leader an attack on the northern desert countries- that will be Egypt, Algeria, Lybia, Sudan, Niger, Nigeria, Mali, and a few others. I've been instructed to capture eighteen camels and bring Blossomstar the pyramids. I don't know how I'm going to do that, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. Tigerstar will lead an army to the Congos and the other central African countries. He is supposed to bring back parrots, gorillas, leopards, and monkeys for Blossomstar's personal zoo. Mapleshade will take eastern Africa- Kenya, Ethiopia, Tanzania, and anywhere else over there she feels like destroying. She needs to bring back lions, cheetahs, servals, and hyenas. Shredtail and Snowtuft will leader the American cats to South Africa. They get a small area because Shredtail and Snowtuft are failures and so are Red, White, and Blue.

And so Brokenstar led his army through the desert. There were hardly cats living there except for a few sand cats, so the land was relativiely simple to conquer. Brokenstar then ordered his army- erm, slaves- to lift the pyramids and carry them across the desert and the Atlantic Ocean to Blossomstar. Then he relaxed in a boat on the Nile River while a few sand cats brought him Kitty-Cola and waved palm fronds around him to keep him cool. Brokenstar was the unofficial king of the Dark Forest Society, after all. He couldn't do any hard work.

Tigerstar's army had fun swinging through vines in the African jungle. It was easy work capturing the parrots, but the tom found it was much more difficult to capture leopards and gorillas. He gave up quickly and decided instead to try all the tropical fruits he found. That was much more enjoyable than capturing wild animals.

Mapleshade wandered through Kenya and found a pride of lions. There was a dark colored lion fighting with a lighter colored lion on a rock while the surrounding area was bursting with flames. Finally the dark colored lions yowled, "I killed Mufasa!" Then the lighter lion pushed him off the rock and he was murdered by hyenas. At that moment loud music in a language Mapleshade didn't understand started randomly playing. When the lyrics finally turned to English, the villain wondered what the circle of life really was and how a song could be played without a radio. Her pet crocodile Ralph then fell in love with a hippo and ran away.

Snowtuft and Shredtail grumbled about being sent to the smallest quadrant in Africa because Brokenstar didn't think they could handle any more than that. They did their best to conquer South Africa, but the American cats were no help.

"There's a monster truck rally on TV!" Red gasped.

"I'll grill up some burgers!" White meowed.

"Are there any McDonald's nearby?" Blue asked. "I'm not fat enough!"

Obviously, they failed to conquer anything and Tigerstar and Brokenstar had to help them out.

* * *

"So now that Africa has been conquered, how much of my debt has paid off?" Blossomstar asked.

Briarlight punched some numbers into her calculator. "That took off twenty trillion, but then Graystripe and Bumblestripe when to Burger King and ate everything in the store. That added an extra four trillion to our debt."

"So that means I'm still twenty trillion dollars in debt," the tortoiseshell she-cat meowed. "Excellent! That's almost half of what I used to owe!"

"But that means we still have to pay a ton of money," Briarlight mewed. "How are we going to pay that off?"

Blossomstar snorted. "With sales from my biography, of course."

"And how much of it do you have written?" the assistant asked.

"I'm on page two!"

Briarlight sighed. "I think I'm going to ask First Bank of StarClan for a loan. We are never going to pay all that off."

"I'm almost on page three!" Blossomstar announced. "This book will be finished in no time!"


	8. Taking Over Asia

Chapter 8

"Hm...maybe I should entitle the first chapter 'When Mom Still Loved Me'," Blossomstar meowed, hunched over a keyboard, staring at her computer with strained eyes.

Briarlight glanced up from her GrapePad. "You're still on chapter one? Crooked and Oak's Publishing wanted your transcript by Friday!"

The tortie sighed, taking a sip of water. "I've stayed up all night writing. Now I'm just separating the story into chapters. I think I might add one more after I finish taking over the world."

"Poor sis," the assistant meowed sympathetically. "You sound like you need a coffee. Want me to go to Starbucks?"

"Yes!" Blossomstar mewed. "Get me something with extra caffeine."

Briarlight nodded. "How about a Venti Java Chip Frappuccino? I'll have them add an extra shot of espresso."

"Better have them add two extra shots," the leader meowed. "I have to visit Mom today, and I want to be high on caffeine so I'm as awake- and annoying- as possible."

"Don't you have better things to do that annoy Mom?" the assistant asked.

Blossomstar nodded. "Oh, yes. Send the Dark Forest Society to Asia, okay? Then after I get all that land the only continent left will be Europe, and they're tiny! I'll have the whole world under my paw!"

"I think I'm going to need a Frappuccino..." Briarlight sighed. "This job is beginning to take it's toll on me."

* * *

"Listen up, everybody!" Brokenstar hissed. "Today our beautiful, smart, wise, witty, charismatic, gorgeous, athletic, brave, humble leader wants us to take over Asia!"

"Since when is Berrynose our leader?" Shredtail asked.

The ragged-brown tabby shook his head angrily. "I'm not talking about the least humble tom in the world. I'm talking about Blossomstar!"

"Sure sounded like you were describing Berrynose," Snowtuft grumbled.

Tigerstar stood beside Brokenstar, his tabby pelt shining under the hot sun. "Berrynose was appointed governor of Africa. He's not even here. Anyway, we'll be assigning quadrants for each group to take over and what they need to bring back for Blossomstar. I will be leading an army to China, Korea, Mongolia, and Japan and will be bringing back thirteen panda bears and ten thousand gallons of special Japanese tea."

"I will be leader an army to Saudi Arabia, it's surrounding countries, Iraq, Iran, and the other western Asian countries," Brokenstar meowed. "I will be bringing back even more camels for Blossomstar, and well as freshly ground Turkish coffee."

"Mapleshade will be taking all the -istans," Brokenstar continued. "That includes Pakistan, Kyrgyzstan, Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, and Kazakhstan. She is supposed to bring back one million pounds of desert sand so Blossomstar can make the best quality litter boxes in the world."

Tigerstar sent a pained glance to Snowtuft and Shredtail. "Please tell me I can trust you with India and the southern Asia countries. Blossomstar wants you to capture tigers, monkeys, and any other wild animals you find. Please actually manage to conquer something!"

"And last but not least," Brokenstar meowed, "Red, White, and Blue will be taking Malaysia and Indonesia. I think that should be easy enough for them."

"Now get to work, everyone!" Tigerstar ordered. "We have a lot of ground to cover!"

Brokenstar led his army to China. They made quick work of over throwing the government- which was led by Pekingese dogs. The little puppies were no match for the evil feline army and soon were running away with their tails between their legs. After conquering the rest of his designated territory, Brokenstar went back to China and took the typical tourist photos of him at the Great Wall of China.

"Silverhawk, make sure to get my good side!" he barked.

"Is that the side showing off the design on your new sweater?" Silverhawk asked, snapping the photo on his GrapePhone.

The ragged tabby twirled around in his sparkly purple sweater with a unicorn stitched on it. "Of course. My mother just knitted this for me! Make sure this cutesy unicorn is in the picture!" He struck a manly pose, slicking back the fur on his head. "Don't I look gorgeous?"

"As gorgeous as a tom in a unicorn sweater can be," Silverhawk muttered.

"I know, right?" Brokenstar gushed, missing the other tom's sarcasm.

Tigerstar laid waste to Saudi Arabia quickly, while Hawkfrost tore through Turkey. Together they completed taking over that area quickly and with ease. Afterward, Tigerstar decided to do some sunbathing in the Arabian Desert.

"My fur just isn't tan enough," the tabby grumbled. "I need more time in the sun. Antpelt- bring me a lemonade! I'm going to be here a while."

"Yes, master," Antpelt mewed, squeezing lemons to make the perfect lemonade.

Hawkfrost decided to get a cup of coffee in Turkey. He walked into the coffee shop and was instantly surrounded by she-cats.

"We love you, Hawky!" one said.

"You're so strong and handsome!" another said.

"You're fur is so gorgeous!" a third said.

"I know," Hawkfrost replied. "It's because I use Catene Cat Shampoo- for the handsome toms."

The she-cats swooned.

Mapleshade took over her quadrant, realized there wasn't much there to take back to her leader, and took the rest of the day off. She cried over the loss of her pet crocodile Ralph that had ran away.

Shredtail and Snowtuft made complete fools of themselves and couldn't conquer India. They tried a bite of curry and their mouths went up in flames. They spent the rest of the day guzzling water. Brokenstar eventually came to help them out, and then beat them up for being useless and for being wimps. Then he ate eight pounds of extra-spicy curry without drinking any water. It didn't bother him at all.

Red, White, and Blue had their own ideas of what to do in Malaysia and Indonesia.

"Where's the Wal-Mart?" Red complained.

"There's no wifi here!" White cried. "I can't post my selfies!"

"Don't they have any greasy foods here?" Blue whined. "I want pizza and burgers!"

Tigerstar bailed them out, but beat them up for being useless.

* * *

"There!" Blossomstar meowed proudly. "My book is complete except for the last chapter!"

Briarlight looked over her sister's shoulder, reading the block of text showing on the computer screen. "Great job, Blossom! You spelled almost half the words correctly!"

"Thank you!" the leader mewed. "Now I just need Europe conquered, and then I can send my book to Crookedstar and Oakheart!"

"I should probably edit it first, don't you think?" the assistant asked.

Blossomstar looked confused. "Why would you do that?"

* * *

Some distance away, a loud grumble sounded. Some cats thought it was thunder. Some cats thought it was an earthquake. It was just Graystripe's stomach. He was hungry.


	9. Taking Over Europe

Chapter 9

"Okay, I've edited your book," Briarlight meowed to her sister. "I only found twenty errors...on the first page."

"Oh, I must really be improving on my writing skills," Blossomstar meowed proudly.

The assistant sighed, shaking her head. "Yeah...not really. It took me all night to correct all the errors. You really should have taken that writing class with Mousefur when we were apprentices."

The leader shrugged. "I had better things to do than hang around the grumpiest cat in the Clan- aside from Sandstorm and Jayfeather, anyway."

"Well, once you conquer Europe and finish the book, I'll get it sent to Crooked and Oak's Publishing," Briarlight meowed. "You do only have one continent left, right?"

"Yes!" Blossomstar exclaimed. "Then I will have officially taken over the world!"

The brown tabby narrowed her eyes. "But your subjects don't like you. They didn't want to be conquered. We've been getting messages about how you're a tyrant and there's a group of cats in Australia who want to lynch you. You need to do some public relations stuff so cats see you aren't that bad."

"Once I get my book published, they'll see how amazing I am," the tortie meowed. "I'll be the most loved cat in all the universe!"

"Still, I think you should do a TV interview, read a book to orphan kits, build a new elders' home- you know, good stuff other than conquering lands you don't need," Briarlight mewed.

Blossomstar widened her eyes. "I want to be on TV! Do you think you could get me on The Rosepetal and Lilyheart Gossip Hour? I'd love that so much!"

Briarlight stared at her sister, knowing that wasn't what she had in mind. "I was thinking more of a serious news program where you'd be interviewed on your political ideas. I'm sure Nightly News with Cinderheart would be a much better idea."

"Call up Rosepetal and Lilyheart!" Blossomstar ordered. "I want to be on the gossip show!"

"Oh, fine!" the assistant sighed. "But if you get kicked off the throne, don't come crying to me!"

* * *

Brokenstar stood on a tree stump, staring down at his vast army. "Today we have our last day of conquering! We must take over Europe so Blossomstar can truly have the entire world as her kingdom."

Tigerstar leaped onto the stump beside the ragged tabby. "I will be leading an attack on Russia. I know it's leaf-bare and no one as every successfully conquered Russia in leaf-bare before, but I'm certain that since I'm so amazing it will really be no trouble."

"I will be raiding Eastern Europe," Brokenstar continued. "That includes the Baltic states, the Ukraine, the Balkan peninsula, Belarus, Romania, and Bulgaria. While I'm in Greece my army will be stealing the Parthenon and sending it back to Blossomstar."

"Mapleshade will be taking Scandinavia," Tigerstar added. "Hopefully her army won't freeze to death in Sweden, Norway, or Finland. Make sure to ask somebody there if they want to build a snowman and sing that song as loudly and annoyingly as possible. Also, Mapleshade is asking her army to cry over her poor pet crocodile Ralph that ran away with a hippo. She misses him very much."

Brokenstar glanced over at the two Dark Forest cats with the lowest success rates when it came to conquering. "Snowtuft and Shredtail, I'm trusting you with central Europe. Please actually manage to take Germany, those little countries I can't remember the names of, Switzerland, Austria, and Italy. Also, bring back Swiss chocolate and several thousand tons of pizza for Blossomstar."

"Red, White, and Blue, you'll be taking the United Kingdom, France, and Spain," Tigerstar growled. "That shouldn't be too hard. Just try not to screw things up and get the king of England to retake the States. I don't think the Americans would appreciate that very much."

Once everybody had their assignments, Tigerstar ran off to Russia. It was very cold and there was twenty feet of snow. The tabby leader plowed through the ice all the way to Moscow, where all the cats were hiding in warm buildings and didn't feel like fighting because it was too cold- even by Russian standards. Tigerstar quickly conquered them (he was wearing a nice heavy sweater Leopardfoot had knitted, so he wasn't cold). After he had taken control of the huge country, he dismissed his army and began writing his own book- How the Great and All-Powerful Tigerstar became the First Cat to Conquer Russia- take that Napolecat and Adolph Catler!

Brokenstar laid waste to Eastern Europe, spending no time in Romania because he was afraid vampires from Transylvania would come and get him. The tough tabby made sure his entire army had a stash of garlic to ward off the vampires, but he was still trembling in his glittery pink sweater. What a baby.

Mapleshade decided she hated the cold of Norway, but she loved torturing the cats there with her horrendous singing. She led her army (now a choir) in singing "Do You Wanna Build a Snowcat?" and "Let It Go" until the Norwegian Feline Government surrendered. The evil tortoiseshell still made her army sing, just because it was funny watching the Norwegian cats scream in horror. Then she burst into tears thinking about her pet crocodile Ralph.

Snowtuft and Shredtail successfully managed to take Central Europe because there were no scary animals there to hurt them. Then also found out they had a few fangirls and spent the day signing pawtographs for some pretty Italian she-cats. Tigerstar and Brokenstar went into shock when they found out the two toms didn't fail for once.

Red, White, and Blue actually DID try to conquer the United Kingdom.

"Die, you English scum!" Red shouted.

"No taxation without representation!" White screeched.

"We don't want a king!" Blue yowled.

"Democracy rules!" Red howled.

"Presidents for the win!" White screamed.

"USA! USA! USA!" Blue chanted.

The English cats rolled their eyes and went back to drinking their tea. No stereotypical American cats were going to ruin their day. Instead, their day ended up being ruined by Tigerstar who came to help Red, White, and Blue. Those poor English cats.

* * *

"Yes! I have officially conquered the entire world!" Blossomstar cheered.

"Technically, the Dark Forest Society did most of the work," Briarlight mewed.

The tortie shrugged. "Whatever. I'm the queen so I get to take all the credit," she mewed. Pausing, the she-cat thought for a moment. "Since I call myself a queen and not a Clan leader, I'm going to change the name of our group. We aren't BlossomClan anymore. From now on everyone lives in the Kingdom of Blossoms!"

The assistant sighed heavily. "Whatever floats your boat. Did you finish your book?"

"I did!" Blossomstar mewed, thrusting the final draft at her sister. "How Blossomstar took Over the World is finished!"

"Excellent," Briarlight meowed. "I'll get this to the publishers straight away. I got you on that gossip show, so you can use your interview to promote your new book."

The tortie clapped her paws. "Great! Soon everyone will see how awesome I am and love me being queen!"

* * *

Graystripe and Bumblestripe ate all the Swiss chocolate and pizza. They will were still hungry.


	10. The Rosepetal and Lilyheart Gossip Hour

Chapter 10

"Hello, cats of the Kingdom of Blossoms!" a dark cream she-cat meowed cheerily from her seat on a red plush chair sitting on a brightly lit stage.

"Welcome to The Rosepetal and Lilyheart Gossip Hour!" a second she-cat meowed, her dark tabby and white fur shining brightly under the yellow stage lights. "We have a great show for you all today!"

The dark cream she-cat nodded happily. "Today on our show we have the most special guest any show could possibly have! Tell our audience who this special guest is, Lilyheart!"

"I sure will, Rosepetal!" the tabby replied. "Put your paws together and give some ravenous applause for our beautiful, stunning, amazing, brilliant queen- Blossomstar!"

The tortoiseshell she-cat marched onto the stage, a white gold-and-sapphire crown placed on her head. "It's a pleasure to be here today," she meowed, sitting down on a green plush chair.

"Welcome to the show, Blossomstar," Rosepetal meowed. "We are honored you asked us to appear on our humble little program."

"Oh, it was no trouble," the queen meowed. "This is my favorite show."

Lilyheart smiled. "That is wonderful news. Do you mind if we ask you a few questions? I'm sure our audience would love to get to know you better."

Blossomstar adjusted her crown. "Ask me anything you want. I'm free all day- well, until Millie's appeal for release from the insane asylum."

Rosepetal placed her paws on one of the armrests of her chair. "Alright, then let's get started. You've just published your autobiography, which was absolutely wonderful. Everything that you've been through- caring for your poor injured sister, helping your brother through his broken heart, dealing with a verbally abusive mother- it was all so inspiring. What made you decide to put your life experience into a book?"

"Well, I thought that the world should know what I've been through," the queen meowed. "I know not every cat is happy I'm now the queen of the world, but I thought if they could see the real me and know the little things about my life they might feel a bit better about the situation."

"It was really wonderful of you to think of your new subjects," Lilyheart meowed. "You must truly care about them."

Blossomstar shrugged. "Not really. I just don't want to be lynched. Besides, my book made the Middleofnowhereville Best Sellers List! It's selling like hotcakes at a breakfast convention!"

Rosepetal nodded. "Well, I've got news for you, Blossomstar. According to _Publishers Moonly_, your book has now sold over six trillion copies worldwide! You've made the Worldwide Best Sellers list!"

"Really?" Blossomstar gasped. "This is so exciting!"

"You also made the top one hundred most famous cats in the world," Lilyheart added. "You're at number sixty-five, but maybe by this time next year you'll be in the top ten!"

"I think I'm going to be number one!" the queen meowed. "I just need to become even more famous!" She thought for a moment. "Maybe I could offer free muffins on Mondays, tacos on Tuesdays, fried fish of Fridays...cats with full bellies are more likely to love me, right?"

Rosepetal nodded quickly. "Absolutely, if you can get your father and brother to share some of their food!" She laughed at her joke, even though no one else did. "But I've got better ways for you to get even more famous! The film rights for your book have been sold to Blackstar's Blockbusters. It's going to be a movie! You should totally audition to play yourself!"

"Oh, and you should sing all the songs for the movie!" Lilyheart mewed. "Become not only a queen, but a moviestar and pop singer as well! that will increase your fame!"

"That's a great idea!" Blossomstar meowed. "I know I'm insanely talented, so acting and singing should come naturally to me!"

Rosepetal smiled joyfully. "I should hope so! Someday, with your talent you may be the most famous cat in the whole world- no, the whole universe!"

Lilyheart nodded in agreement. "Then you'll get to go to award shows- even perform at them, make even more money than you already have, make all your subjects love you..."

Blossomstar clapped her paws. "This is going to be great! Aren't I just wonderful?"

"Absolutely wonderful," Rosepetal meowed.

"Stunningly perfect," Lilyheart added.

"I love you Blossomstar!" a cat in the audience called out.

The queen glanced out into the audience to see Spiderleg waving his paws wildly.

Rosepetal stared at the long-legged tom. "Well, it looks like you have you first fanboy, Blossomstar."

Lilyheart nodded. "You'd better get used to them. If you become a movie star and singer, you'll get even more fanboys!"

"I think I'm going to like this..." Blossomstar meowed, flashing Spiderleg a winning smile, causing the tom to faint.

The dark cream talk show host glanced at the queen. "Hey, maybe someday you'll have so many toms wanting to date you that you'll have to start a dating game show!"

"I could be like Nightcloud and have a 'Win a Date with..." Blossomstar gasped. "That would be sooooo awesome!"

"I think you are going to be the most interesting queen the world has ever seen," Rosepetal meowed.

"And the most entertaining," Lilyheart added.

The dark cream she-cat nodded, glancing at her co-host. "Oh, yes. I thought our queen would choose to be on an important serious news program rather than a gossip show that only stay-at-home she-cats watch."

"I care about those stay-at-home she-cats," Blossomstar meowed. "I care about all my subjects, but the world needs more cats like Ferncloud and Daisy. Without them this world would fall apart."

"Mm-hm," Rosepetal mewed. "Still, it looks like your reign will be both interesting and entertaining."

"You'll be like nothing cats have ever seen before," Lilyheart added. "And we look forward to seeing all the things you'll accomplish."

Blossomstar smiled brightly. "Thank you. Now if you must excuse me, Millie's appeal is in fifteen minutes. I have to be present or Judge Pinestar will let her go free just because she used to be a kittypet!"

"And no one wants to see Millie go free," Rosepetal meowed.

Lilyheart shook her head. "If she goes free, Rainflower will want to be released as well. It's for the best if they both just stay locked up."

"Maybe Ashfur should be thrown into the insane asylum as well..." the dark cream host meowed thoughtfully.

The ginger camera-cat sent the host a furious glare, shutting off her camera because whatever happened next would probably not be rated PG.


	11. The Movie

Chapter 11

A ginger tabby she-cat wearing a red beret stood behind a large camera. She pointed her camera toward a green screen that would appear as the ThunderClan camp to the audience watching at home. A tortoiseshell-and-white she-cat and a silver tabby she-cat were standing on a green ledge built into the stage, portraying a scene from the tortoiseshell she-cat's life. Several cats watched the scene from below.

"You useless she-cat!" a silver tabby hissed at the tortoiseshell. "You'll never be as amazing, sweet, marvelous, super, glorious, and adorably perfect in every way as your sister!"

"I will be, too!" the she-cat spat. "Just watch me!"

She shoved the silver tabby off of the ledge, causing the cat to go unconscious.

"Ha!" the tortoiseshell laughed. "I showed you, mother! Now you'll never get in my way again!"

"Hooray for Blossomfall, our most favorite cat ever!" the cats standing below the ledge cheered.

"Cut! Print! That's a wrap!" the ginger camera-cat announced, clicking her camera off. "Blossomstar, you were awesome in that scene!"

The tortoiseshell nodded. "I know I was, Tansy. I am the most talented actress, leader, author, and TV personality in the world. I knew I would rock that scene."

Tansy smiled, bowing before her queen. "I expected nothing less than perfection." She glanced at the silver tabby. "You did well, too, Silverstream. Your portrayal of Millie is so convincing!"

The silver tabby let out a quiet laugh. "Oh, I didn't think I was that great. It's so hard pretending to be evil!"

"But you did great!" Blossomstar meowed. "I mean, not as great as me, but I almost believed you were as evil as my mom for a moment!"

Tansy held up a copy of the script. "Now, Blossomstar, about the next scene...I really feel that when you banish your mother from ThunderClan you should do it in song. The ThunderClan cats can do the chorus and maybe you can sing the verses. Turning your novel into a musical would just be the best idea ever."

The tortoiseshell narrowed her eyes. "But only if I get to do the singing. I don't want you paying Hannah Catana or Justine Beaver to do the songs when you could be paying me! I am the best singer in the whole wide universe, you know."

"I would never in a million moons hire Justine Beaver to sing in a movie," Tansy meowed. "You're much more talented than she is".

Blossomstar nodded. "Now that we have that settled, it is time for my break. I'll be in my dressing room if you need me- but don't need me."

Silverstream glanced at her invisible watch. "But Blossomstar, we've only been filming for three minutes. We don't get a break for another three hours."

"I'm the queen of the world and when I say I get a break, I get a break," Blossomstar meowed.

Tansy narrowed her eyes. "We are on a bit of a time crunch. I want this movie in theaters before the A-cat-emy Awards so we're nominated for Best Picture."

"It's my movie and I can take a break if I want to," Blossomstar hissed. "Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to my dressing room. Please have my slave- I mean personal assistant- bring me a pitcher of sweet tea, a flower crown, my pet giraffe, and one ton of legos."

"A ton of legos?" Tansy gasped. "They won't even fit in your dressing room! Neither will your giraffe!"

The queen's eyes widened. "Then I need a bigger dressing room!"

"You have the biggest dressing room we have," the director meowed. "We gave you Indiana! If you hadn't filled it with the Great Pyramids, your thirty-six macaws, two jaguars, one thousand pounds of Asian desert sand, a singing living snowman, and the Congo River there would be more room."

Blossomstar stomped her paws. "All I want is a little respect here! I don't think a bigger dressing room is too much to ask for! All I want is a dressing room the size of Russia and what do I get? Ridiculed! Made to listen to reason! Is that any way to treat your queen? I think not!"

Silverstream tried too step in. "Now Blossomstar, try to be reasonable. Maybe instead of a dressing room the size of Russia you could ask for a dressing room the size of Alaska?"

"If you're going to tell me what to do, then get off my movie!" the queen shouted.

"Technically, it's my movie," Tansy meowed. "I'm the director."

Blossomstar squirted her with a water gun. "I'm the queen, so I own everything and take all the credit! It's my movie and I want Silverstream out of it!"

"I'm not firing Silverstream!" the director argued. "She's the best silver tabby actress by far!"

The leader now whacked the ginger she-cat with her water gun. "You American cats always think you have to have it your way! But you're wrong! America is now part of my empire now, and since I'm a British cat you're under British control. So start obeying me or I'm taking away your Constitution and your freedom of prey and your right to bear claws! I'll give you taxation without representation! I'll force you to fly Union Jacks! I'll dump coffee in your harbors, burn down every McDonalds, tear down every football stadium, and make you all go on diets and eat healthy!"

Red, White, and Blue, who were extras on the movie, had a problem with this.

"No taxation without representation!" Red yowled.

"Land of the free and home of the brave!" White howled.

"USA! USA! USA!" Blue yodeled.

Blossomstar threw her water gun at the American cats, knocking them down like bowling pins.

"I'm giving you an unfair and partial trial!" she shouted. "Red, White, and Blue are found guilty of treason and are sentenced to cruel and unusual punishment! Red's punishment is a never ending tea-time with posh British cats who love the British monarchy. White's punishment is having to sing 'God Save the Queen' for six years straight, and Blue's punishment is to re-write every American history book and say that the British are awesome and that your founding fathers were wrong to say otherwise!"

"That's against our amendments!" Red cried.

"I am proud to be an American!" White whined.

"USA! USA! USA!" Blue sang.

The leader screamed and ran away, not being able to take these uncivilized Americans any longer.

Tansy hit her head on her paws. "And I thought Nightcloud was hard to work with!"

Silverstream placed a sympathetic paw on the director's shoulder. "Blossomstar is such a drama queen!"

"But...she is an amazing actress and singer," Tansy mused. "Yeah, she was right about everything. Silverstream, you're fired!"

"What?" the silver tabby shrieked. "But I supported you!"

Tansy shrugged. "You're just not as awesome as our almighty and perfect queen. She's going to get me all kinds of awards. I'll be the most famous director ever because of her. If I let her do the movie her way I could afford to pay off the massive loans I'll need to buy her that dressing room and still make a profit! Since she's just so amazing and always right, you're off the film."

Silverstream huffed and stalked away. She paused on her way out. "Oh...right...Blossomstar _is _amazing. I was so wrong to think otherwise. StarClan save the queen!"

* * *

Firestar's Police Force of Morality caught up with Red, White, and Blue. All three were arrested and thrown in prison. Firestar hung the British flag in their cell and started playing the British national anthem on repeat...and repeat...and repeat. And the only things they were allowed to eat or drink? Fish and chips and tea.

* * *

Graystripe and Bumblestripe were hungry. They ate New Hampshire.


	12. The A-cat-emy Awards

Chapter 12

Millie lounged on the straw-covered cot of her cell in The Blossom House for the Morally Insane, hanging upside down off of the uncomfortable bed and staring at a TV that hung on the white wall. She had no remote and could not change the channel, so the she-cat was stuck watching a program she really did not want to see. It was torture. Luckily Millie had a few moments of peace while the show was on commercial break.

Fog covered the screen, intense music playing in the background. A dark brown tabby tom with a white chest and dazzling blue eyes padded through the thick fog, tossing shiny tabby fur as he strolled, flashing the audience a brilliant smile.

"Hello, toms of the world," Hawkfrost meowed smoothly. "Are you suffering from dull, matted fur? Is your fur lacking in shine and volume? Do the she-cats ignore you? Well, you can change all that. Just use Catene Cat Shampoo. It has the power to make your fur thick, sleek, radiant, and luscious. Just look at my luxurious fur. I can't keep the she-cats off of me. And it's all thanks to Catene Cat Shampoo. If you want fur like mine and want to have she-cats throwing themselves at you, use Catene Cat Shampoo. Catene Cat Shampoo- it's for the handsome tom."

"And now back to the A-cat-emy Awards!" and announcer that sounded eerily like Tigerstar meowed. "Here's your host for the evening- the dazzling, the beautiful, the prettiest black she-cat in existence- Nightcloud!"

Millie groaned. "Why does my daughter put me through this?" she moaned. "I can't take this torture anymore!"

The black she-cat on stage smiled at the camera. "Welcome back! So far this evening we've seen some great awards given out. For a quick re-cap: The movie _Starkit and the Seven Toms_ won the award for 'Worst Picture', _Finding SkyClan_ won the award for 'Best Adventure Movie', and _Captain Firestar: The Moral Soldier_ won the award for 'Best Action Movie'."

She paused, glancing out at the audience for a moment. "Firestar...I love you," she sighed, "but not as much as I love Scourge..."

Suddenly looking embarrassed, Nightcloud shook herself. "Did I say that? Never mind. Now it's time to announce the biggest award of the night! Let me read the nominations for 'Best Movie'..."

Millie clamped her paws over her ears. "I don't want to hear this!" she wailed.

A random flower pot hit her in the head.

"Shut up! I'm trying to watch!" Rainflower hissed at her cellmate.

"That's right, folks," Nightcloud meowed. "The nominees for 'Best Picture' are _One Hundred and One Kits_, _Fifty Shades of Tabby_, _The PawBook_, and _Blossomfall: A Life_."

Millie pulled a thin blanket over her eyes. "I don't want to see this!"

Rainflower threw a random pumpkin at her. "Shh! I want to see if _The PawBook_ won!"

"And the winner of 'Best Picture' is..." Nightcloud continued, "..._Blossomfall: A Life_!"

Thunderous applause erupted in the theater where the award show was taking place. A tortoiseshell-and-white she-cat wearing a white gold-and-sapphire tiara and velvet blue cape made her way to the stage to accept her award and make her speech.

Millie pulled her pillow over her head. "Ugh!"

Blossomstar wrenched the Catrophy out of Nightcloud's paws. She grabbed the microphone with her other paw and looked out over the audience. "Oh my StarClan, this was so unexpected!" she mewed. "Not! I totally knew I would win! I am the most fabulous, gorgeous, intelligent, witty, charismatic, loyal, generous, benevolent, kind, caring, modest, beautiful, talented she-cat in the whole wide world! There was no doubt that I would win!"

Nightcloud laughed nervously. "Well, I was sort of hoping _One Hundred and One Kits_ would win, but I'm happy for you, Blossomstar."

The queen whacked the host with her trophy. "How dare you want a movie other than mine to win! Brokenstar, arrest this treacherous beast!"

Brokenstar padded out on stage wearing his fabulous pink-and-rainbow sweater that Yellowfang knitted for him. "Certainly, my queen," he meowed, and dragged the host off of the stage.

Blossomstar nodded with satisfaction. "Now that everyone is clear that I am the best and my movie was the only one that deserved to win I can get onto my speech. I have a few cats I want to thank. First I want to thank Briarlight for being the best slave- I mean personal assistant- a cat could ever have. I also want to thank Graystripe and Bumblestripe for not eating all the food here tonight and leaving one single piece of bacon for the other three thousand cats in attendance. I want to thank myself, because without me, there would be no movie. Lastly, I want to thank my mom- for nothing! You hear that, Millie! You get no thanks! I won this award all on my own! Who's the loser now? You are!"

Everyone in the audience applauded madly. Blossomstar was awesome, after all.

"Before I go," the queen meowed, "I have decided that I will be accepting all the other awards on their winners' behalf. Because really, without me, none of their movies would have been able to happen at all. It's really my doing that any movie gets made. I get all the credit! Aren't I amazing?"

Everyone in the audience thought so.

Berrynose swooned because he finally found a cat as perfect in everyway as him. "Blossom, I love you!" he shouted.

"I love you, too, random tom!" Blossomstar shouted back.

Berrynose fainted.

Every other tom in attendance fainted. They all loved their queen.

The tortoiseshell nodded with satisfaction. "I think that just about does it! I've won every category because I'm just that awesome. I rubbed it in Mom's face, I made every tom faint- I'm on a roll! That's it for this award show, folks! Now everyone bow down to me and call me pretty!"

Everyone did, of course.

The show faded to a commercial. More Hawkfrost. He'd paid five million dollars to get his commercial to air twice during the A-cat-emy Awards.

* * *

Millie had a nervous breakdown and beat up Rainflower with her pillow.

* * *

Mapleshade cried over her pet crocodile who ran away.

* * *

Graystripe and Bumblestripe ate the Great Wall of China.


	13. Fan Mail

Chapter 13

Briarlight padded into the throne room of Blossomstar's palace, dragging a huge, bulging brown sack behind her. Heaving for breath, she stopped in front of her sister.

"Your...fanmail...is here," Briarlight huffed, releasing the sack.

Blossomstar rubbed her paws together. "Oh, goody! I can't wait to read all of the wonderful things cats are saying about me!"

Her personal assistant nodded, regaining her breath from pulling the sack in from the mail room. "This week's mail bag is larger than last weeks by twelve pounds. You must have gained some new fans since the A-cat-emy Awards."

The tortoiseshell queen smiled. "Then I must take the time to read every single piece of mail sent to me. My fans have to know I care about them!"

"Are you going to write back?" Briarlight asked. "Fans love it when they hear from their favorite celebrity. It would be especially great since you're not only the most famous cat in the world, but also the queen of everything. Your subjects would love knowing you take the time to respond to your fanmail."

"I'll see if I have time," Blossomstar meowed. "I have an appointment for a manicure at four o'clock, reservations for dinner at Thistleclaw's Pizza Shack of Evil at five, a press conference with Cinderheart at six, a crown-fitting at seven, and there's a CSI: ShadowClan marathon on starting at eight. I won't have time to write back to everyone who wrote me fanmail."

"So just write back to a few," the assistant mewed.

The queen hopped off of her throne and picked up an envelope, opening it up. "Dear Blossomstar, I think you're really cool. It was really awesome seeing how you took over the Clans in just one day. I wish I was as great at taking over as you are. Totally inspired, Scourge."

Briarlight put her reading glasses on and opened another letter. "Dear Blossomstar, you are the bestest queen EVER! Yours truly, Fernkit."

The assistant nodded appreciatively. "Your subjects love you, sis. I'm a little concerned that Scourge finds you so inspiring, but at least your mail is positive."

Blossomstar opened another letter. "BLOSSOMSTAR, I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART. MARRY ME! Love, Spiderleg."

She narrowed her eyes. "Ugh. He's so old! I don't want to marry him!"

Briarlight handed her sister a pad of pink paper and a hot pink pen. "Write him back, then. Let him down easy, though."

The queen nodded. "Dear Spiderleg," she wrote, "I will never marry you in a million season cycles. You are way too old for me. Go die in a hole. Not love, Blossomstar."

"That wasn't letting him down easy," Briarlight meowed. "Now you've gone and hurt his feelings."

"Who cares?" Blossomstar mewed dismissively. "I'm not marrying him."

The tabby assistant sighed and shook her head, opening another envelope. "DEAR BLOSSOMSTAR, YOU ARE THE MOST GORGEOUS SHE-CAT ON THE PLANET. MARRY ME! Love, Darkstripe."

"Ewww!" the queen wailed. "I have to respond to that. Note this down, sister. Dear Darkstripe, I will never marry you in a million season cycles. You are way way way way too old for me. Go die in a hole. Oh wait, you're already dead. That's how old you are. Go back to being dead and stop being weird. Not love, Blossomstar."

Briarlight scrambled to get the letter down on paper. "That was a little bit weird. Let me read another one. They can't all be that creepy."

She opened another envelope. "Dear Blossomstar, YOU ARE THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE AND QUEEN OF MY HEART. MARRY ME! Love, Lionheart."

"What is it with all these weird old toms being creepy?" Blossomstar meowed. "I guess I better respond to that."

She grabbed her paper and pen and wrote down her letter. "Dear Lionheart, your letter creeped me out. I will never marry you in a million season cycles. You are dead. You've been dead for like, seven years. Stop being weird and go back to being dead. Not love, Blossomstar."

"I hope not all of these letters are love letters," Briarlight meowed, picking up another envelope. "Maybe this one will be normal. Hm...DEAR BLOSSOMSTAR, OH MY GOSH YOU ARE THE MOST PERFECT SHE-CAT. YOU ARE EVEN BETTER THAN SQUIRRELFLIGHT, WHOM I HATE. YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN SQUIRRELFLIGHT, WHO SHOULD DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH FROM GETTING EATEN BY A FOX OR BADGER OR HAWK OR SOMETHING EVIL LIKE THAT. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT I HIDE IN THE BUSH OUTSIDE YOUR BEDROOM AND WATCH YOU SLEEP. YOU ARE SO PRETTY WHEN YOU SLEEP. I WATCH YOU ALL THE TIME. I'M PROBABLY EVEN WATCHING YOU RIGHT NOW. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY. YOU ARE MUCH PRETTIER THAN SQUIRRELFLIGHT WHEN YOU SLEEP. I HATE SQUIRRELFLIGHT! MARRY ME! Love, Ashfur."

"That's the weirdest letter yet!" Blossomstar exclaimed.

Briarlight looked concerned. "He watches you sleep? He's totally stalking you! That's weird and creepy and a little bit unnerving."

The queen nodded. "I think we need better security. Snowtuft and Shredtail must not be doing a good job."

"They fall asleep on the job all the time!" the assistant mewed. "And when they're awake they play Angry Robins on their PawPhones! It's no wonder Ashfur sneaks past them!"

"That does it! I'm calling Brokenstar's House of Villains," Blossomstar meowed. "I bet Brokenstar can find me better security guards."

Briarlight narrowed her eyes. "And doesn't Ashfur have a girlfriend?"

The queen thought for a moment. "He does. Or at least he will until she finds out about this! I need to write him back."

"Better make it good," her assistant meowed.

"Dear Ashfur," Blossomstar wrote, "I found your letter to be very creepy and weird. One, you have a girlfriend and shouldn't even be writing about wanting to marry me. Two, you have a girlfriend, so you should be over Squirrelflight. Three, stop stalking me! It's weird! Seriously, Ashfur, I will never marry you in a million season cycles. You are creepy and weird and I don't know why any she-cat on the face of the earth would ever want to marry you. You're better off moving to Saturn and proposing to an alien. Or just go die in a hole. You are too messed up and weird for normal she-cats. Stop stalking me and watching me while I sleep and stop talking about Squirrelflight. Go fall of a cliff, get trampled by wildebeests, or tossed into a fiery pit. Go be dead and stay dead and stop bothering me and Squirrelflight. Seriously creeped out, Blossomstar."

Briarlight heaved a sigh. "Okay, let's just do a few more letters. I don't know how much of this I can take."

The queen nodded, opening another letter. "Dear Blossomstar, thank you so much for being in my movie. You made me sixty million dollars and got me four new movie deals. It was a pleasure working with you. Sincerely, Tansy. PS, if my boyfriend writes to you asking you to marry him, you have my permission to throw him in The Blossom House for the Morally Insane. Ashfur is seriously beginning to annoy me with his obsessive stalking."

"Aw, she's so nice," Briarlight mewed.

"She is," Blossomstar meowed. "I'll have Brokenstar arrest Ashfur when he gets here. That creepy little furball can spend the next couple moons locked up."

The tabby she-cat picked up one more letter. "How about one more and then we save the rest for tomorrow?" she asked.

The queen nodded. "Sure. I can't be late for that manicure!"

Briarlight opened the envelope. "DEAR BLOSSOMSTAR, YOU ARE THE MOST WITTY, BEAUTIFUL, LOYAL, INTELLIGENT, PASSIONATE, SMART, CHARISMATIC, SELFLESS, GENEROUS, KIND, CARING, AMAZING, CHARMING, BRILLIANT, ADORABLE, STRONG, DARLING, BRAVE, AND COURAGEOUS SHE-CAT IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD. WE WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER! MARRY ME! Love, Berrynose."

"Well, he is right about all of those things," Blossomstar mused.

"He's conceited," Briarlight snorted. "I really can't believe he'd love anyone other than himself. And besides, isn't he married? With two kids?"

The queen narrowed her eyes. "He just sees how awesome I am. I am better than Poppyfrost. I'm better than Honeyfern. I'm better than every she-cat who has ever lived. Berrynose just recognizes that. I wish all toms did. I should write him back a nice letter."

The assistant backed away slowly, a little creeped out by her sister. "You...you do that," she mewed. "I'm going to go spend some time with...less amazing cats for a while. Less conceited ones."

"I'm not conceited. I'm just the best," Blossomstar meowed.

"Right..." Briarlight replied. "Totally agree...not."

* * *

Somewhere in the distance, the sound of sobbing could be heard. It was all the toms who were turned down by the queen.

* * *

Well...and Mapleshade. She was still upset about Ralph, her pet blind crocodile, of course.


End file.
